I sit and carefully chose the words in which I type tonight. Slowly and methodically I prepare my tongue to read them as they appear here on this screen. My journey of self discovery has not been in vain. Not knowing if anyone will read this and fully understand the magnitude of my journeys. It is with a warm outlook and maybe running half naked into a cold chilling pacific ocean that awakens me inside. I am without a doubt a survivor I lived through so many tremendous incidents. From abuse to cancer, from heartache to love. I have seen more in my 34 years then any see in a lifetime. 

I thought I was ready to love someone with my whole heart. I thought he loved me with his whole heart. I never realized how frozen my heart was to him. I never saw that I was closed up in so many ways. It took 5 days alone on the beach with o cell, no blackberry, no IPOD, no laptop, no tv, to bring myself back to the basics in life. I am  only what I am capable of giving to others. I am true and honest, loyal and caring. But it was not enough, I lost someone very dear to me and I regret that I was unable to love this person as he truly deserved to be loved. He is a strong man of great intellect and spirit. He melted into me much like the wick of a candle. I thought he was the one who could break apart the ice I had packed around my heart.

 What more could I offer anyone at the point I was at? I was weak and beaten down.

I am alive again, and I needed the chance to free myself. To let go and just let life be what is meant to be for us, for me. And if fate intervened and by chance wanted this to turn out somehow differently why didnt she? Why was i there feeling like I let you down all the time? Why was I there hurting and crying and hating myself? Why did I have to fall apart to see that it wasnt all me. That I was just doing the best I could in a place I was at in my life.

I am relieved to be home tonight, as the weather was wicked and the waves were enormous. I missed my bed and my child. I missed the smell of home, the taste of wine, and the gosh damn electronics. I went to this place where the land if owned by Native Americans, there is hardly any modern facilities at the this lodge, it was this chance I had to bring myself back to life to fight the good fight, and to love with all my being each and everyday.

In the end, I lost, but gain my self back. I lost a lover, but gained my truth, and won the chance to love again, and to love whole heartedly with a passion that crosses time and brings back with it a power more intense then any have experienced  before me.

I pray that my dear man, will forgive the thoughtless woman I was, and befriend the real me. The one who is here today, wanting a friendship if he hasn't beaten me to hatred in his thoughts yet. If not, of course I understand, isnt that what we are taught as the polite thing to say. I will accept his feelings and mutually incline my actions to meet his. 

But friends who trooped along with me in my battles of fatigue, depression, anxiety, fear, wrath, and anger, I am home, I am me again, and I have come back.......

Love and Laughter to you all!

Lady Nicolle